9/9/2023

I still get sad seeing your pictures online, very sad. I saw both of you today, as in both of your pictures. I was sad all of a sudden, too sad, pathetically so.

It was a bitter kind of sad. It hurt. I kept telling myself I knew them once. We were so close.

I wish we stayed that way. I still care about you more than anyone else. I used to think God must love me back then when I knew you both. I still meet good people, but I think God loves me less right now because I lost you. The good people I meet are not half as good as you are. I looked at your pictures and envied the air you breathe, the place you're in, the people you see, and those you talk to.

I know my worth, but I also think so highly of you. I might've entangled the two.

I was happy today until I saw your picture. Isn't that sad? You always made me feel good, no matter what.

You are the pain I can never heal. What would you think if I told you this? It only takes a phone call for me to hear your voice, and to be happy, but I don't have enough courage to call. What if you're not on the other side, what if I lost that too, the right to reach you in any way? That would hurt way too much.

I miss you, way too much. While I struggle to live as such, I wonder if I ever cross your mind. Do you think about me every now and then? What do you tell yourself? How long does it last? Anyway, I miss you.

I deny it, but if you want me to be part of your life. You would've found a way now. I am in denial of it, most of the time. It hurts so much otherwise. It is unlikely that you want to reach out you're simply hesitant for whatever reason. That applies to me though. There is nothing I want more, than your companionship. Yet, I never reach out. So, I guess I'll never know unless I ask.