One Wintry Day
I woke up that day, after a few hours of sleep, surprised that I had managed to sleep at all. Anxiety and anticipation kept me company until the early hours of the morning. Yet, I had managed to sleep somehow. As I woke up, I proceeded to stop my mind from venturing into any folly because I was late, and that was enough for me to worry about. I got myself ready as if I were to embark on a new journey. Indeed, I thought it wasn't a regular day when I opened the door and consciously felt the breeze on my skin, and heard the lovely sounds that might amuse you at the beginning of a day (that is if you are cheerful enough to notice them). I still did not want to think about the major event. Instead, I prefered to calculate my speed, the distance from my friend's house and the time I'll get there as well as how late I'd be. A thought process I was skilful at lately because I lost my sense of punctuality long ago. I was excited at the idea of potentially fixing myself, at last, while doing an academic assignment. "It would be a security blanket with which I'd be ready to tuck myself to bed if things ever went wrong", I thought. I also believed that I was restoring my social life as I joked with my friend on our way to the infamous destination. Everything appeared empowering for some reason. As we got closer, I kept thinking about how much it meant to me, how much I had hurt myself, how much disdain I had endured, and how I wished to go there under different circumstances. The cab stopped, and never had I ever felt so abandoned to face my fears on my own. I was trying to appear indifferent in front of my friends because they didn't know my real motives behind going there. I stood in front of that majestic white entrance, the one I had pictured so many times in the daily scenarios my mind produced, and inside of me rose unsettling feelings. The knot inside of my stomach kept getting tighter and tighter; my throat drier and my palms sweatier. I had trouble taking hold of my mind or my gaze from wondering about the place, what it meant for me and the reality of my presence there. So far, I had delayed thinking about them as much as I could, but it was bound to happen, so as I explored the hall inside their building, I pictured them walking up the stairs, reading the announcements, opening the door, and I did not comprehend what I was feeling. Meanwhile, my friends asked for directions to reach our target. What we went there for, however, was not there at all. Upon hearing this fact, I swallowed my embarrassment. I was embarrassed by myself. " Maybe, after all, I carelessly chose this place to satisfy my curiosity even if our target wasn't here." , I said. A moment later, someone that I once knew passed me, and just then my anxiety went so high that I started fidgeting with whatever I had at hand. Because, while she wasn't that important and probably did not know me at all, they did, and I could've met them. Therefore, all I wanted was to leave. "I am not strong enough to do this!" I said to myself to huch the little lingering a part of me expressed, wanting to have a reunion. Luckily, my friends also wished to go, as quickly as possible, although for completely different reasons. Before I could fully process what was going on and its impact on me, we were in a cab again heading towards a new destination with the guaranteed target this time. In that cab, I came back to my senses. I ignored all that had happened, and I reminded myself of how damaged I was. My usual worries came back, and I had the assignment to think about, fortunately. Nothing was alarmingly exciting. It was just me on a regular day again.
