A nightly Stream of Consciousness
In the reality of a silent night, you face the truth.
You meet again and your brain aches at a long night of confrontation.
You've had that conversation with yourself before.
And, new ones seem to bring nothing.
Sometimes they do, but pain, regret and fear would drown whatever was there to help.
There is that odd feeling as well, the ugly one, the hatred and anger towards all those meant to support you.
Because crumbling in front of their eyes while they did nothing was never an enjoyable state.
They know. They saw you fall. It couldn't be more visible.
Either way, you have no pride left to claim that you need no one.
So, you might as well write your resentment maybe you 'll feel it less. There is that feeling of coldness every time you hit rock bottom.
You crawl in a corner. The emptiness you often escape settles in, and tears keep on falling along your neutral face.
You let go off of hope, anger, plans, fears and worries.
Defenceless, you quiet the voices in your mind, stop analysing this mess, give up on searching for solutions you know you will never go near executing.
Thinking about when the fall started will not help. There is nothing to do about it.
Yes, it had been a while now, years.
Yes, you might have had a chance if you woke up sooner, but that's a useless remark you shouldn't contemplate much.
Do you remember when you used to wonder where did all those bad feelings go?
The anger you couldn't find at the time, the sadness that didn't come, the regret you never knew.
Could that be it?
I know you fear the loud loneliness but try it now. Hold on for a little bit. Silence will come eventually.
The voices are running out of words to say.
They don't have to talk at this point.
So, reach yourself, and do nothing.
Don't hug her. She'll break more.
Don't blame her. You did before. It never helped.
Don't smile. It'll seem fake, and she already knows it's that bad.
Don't remind her of her.
Don't cry. she never does when she needs to.
Don't look at her. She 'll read your eyes, and that's what hurts her the most.
So, do nothing.
You lost count of days, but you don't need to know which day tomorrow would be.
Tonight, at least, some of the weight got off of your shoulders. Tomorrow, it wouldn't feel the same.
So, it doesn't matter.
Those feelings are your life now. It should be scary. It isn't.
It should urge you to save yourself. You don't.
It's time to close your eyes now. There should be a break between today and tomorrow.
Don't panic at the thought of how you'd sleep. Maybe your mind is tired enough not to bother you.
In fact, it is already tomorrow. So, stay up until your body crashes. Your mind will have nothing to say then.
Ps: I have to keep this. It is proof that I felt that pain especially since I often accuse myself of crying wolf.
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